That’s right I said fuck you for taking someone so beautiful and making them believe they aren’t. For compelling someone to commit a slow suicide in order to achieve an image. For the insidious thoughts and behaviours you share with your victims. For the way you allow others to think the answer is to…just eat.
She’s beautiful you know, more beautiful than you could ever imagine. She grew up hard and stayed kind, that’s not an easy thing to do. She has the bluest eyes and the best smile. She’s sarcastic and witty and has more talent in her pinky finger than I’ll ever have in my entire body. She is the epitome of creation. She is so much more than you allow her to see… I wish she could. Even the models are airbrushed and covered up but each day when she wakes she is real, more real than anyone I have ever met. Beautiful with no need for makeup. Her soul is pure and just trying to find it’s way back to happy. She is the Nirvana line “she just wants to love herself”.
Of course, she’s obsessive, I find all perfectionists are. Why can’t she see that she’s already perfect? The drugs and the drinking and the wild nights are an escape from the life she lives now but they only relieve the pain for a little while. I can’t tell her though, she’s got to learn for herself that the pain of letting go is easier than the pain from staying that way. It will be hard but the life after giving up the wild feverish nights is so much more worth living. Sobriety brings with it warm cozy days filled with tea and sweaters and the love of your life beside you. I want her to know she is worth it… my God she is worth it.
I mostly hate the way you are taking away little bits of her every single day. You won’t be happy until she’s completely gone. And, of course, people are cruel. They are quick to judge because their own lives are shit, I hope she realizes this soon. I hope she finds the strength to do what she truly loves, to live and laugh while she can.
You make vital nutrients the enemy and bones the reward. You are always in the peripheral, the unwanted guest at the dinner party, the friend in the bathroom beside the scale. You are the soundtrack in her head and the tears on her pillow at night. You are the reason I am afraid that one day I’ll get a phone call…to come pick her up from school when she has passed out. There’s always a fear that I’ll come home to find her passed out in the shower.
I know you don’t love her because if you did you wouldn’t want her like this. You’d want her to be happy and full of life but you only leave her tired and with every hair that falls into the sink, a little more depressed. Just know, I’m here too, fighting for her, telling her she is loved and beautiful and worth it. Just know I won’t make this easy for you, to kill her, because we both know that’s what you want.
Mostly, I’m asking you please don’t take her away from me one pound at a time.
Loving friend of an anorexia victim.