Letters To Myself Blog


5 Men Reveal The Moment They Knew Their Relationships Were Over & How Long It Took To End IT

As women we’ve all had one relationship we knew was over long before it actually ended. I wanted to know what this experience was like for men. At what point in a relationship did they know it was over and how long did they stay until it was over for good? I consulted with a few of my male friends even an ex, and asked them to share open and honestly about their experiences. Some of them are heartbreaking, some of them infuriating. My take? When you know, you know. Don’t let your head trick your heart into believing otherwise.


  1. Miles K, 36

“I knew it was over when I would come home from work and we would have nothing to talk about. Sure, you don’t have to talk constantly but sitting there beside each other every single night in silence felt lonelier than actually being alone. Once I realized I was unhappy it took me an entire year to end it. I was worried about what might happen and kept thinking things might get better. If you cant communicate with your partner it’s just not going to work.”



  1. Eric S, 27

“We had only been dating for a few months when she got pregnant. She said she had been taking birth control but I guess it’s not 100% and you never really know. I was terrified to be a father but now I love it. I love being a dad. I stayed with my child’s mother for three years after the birth because I wanted to do the right thing. One day I just realized that I wasn’t happy with this person and she wasn’t happy either. The best thing for my daughter is to have two happy, healthy parents. It didn’t take me much longer after that to end things. I still see my little girl all the time and feel like a better person around her now.”



  1. Brandon M, 23

“Started dating a girl in college, we were together for about 6 months. She wanted to label our relationship so I told she could be my girlfriend. She would just come over a lot and have sex, never really asking me to take her out anywhere so I never did. I kept that going for a while because the sex was really good…then I started feeling bad for her and ended it.”



  1. Caleb L, 30

“My last girlfriend and I were together for eight years, it was by far my longest relationship. After about six years it started to not feel right, we would argue about everything. She would tell me when to turn the TV off and go to bed at night, ask me what I was doing constantly. I began to feel like more of a child than a partner. Now this is really terrible but we had this really nice apartment and it was lower rent than anything else I was going to find. I stayed in that relationship for two years until I could end it in a way that meant I could keep the place. It ended up saving me a ton of money but cost me a few solid years of freedom.”



  1. Tristan K, 28

“A year into the relationship we stopped having sex. Guys can be pretty understanding but if you’re constantly not having sex it’s a problem. I knew something wasn’t right and when I looked on her computer she had an open tab for Ashley Madison. I knew right then it was over but I was hurt, I wanted to know why she did it, what more she was looking for and I wanted her to tell me to my face. It took a month for her to tell me she had been cheating the whole time. I ended up leaving, blocking her number on my phone and all her social media accounts. I haven’t seen or talked to her since.”


What is Gatsbying? The Dating Trend You’ve Most Likely Taken Part In

We have all taken part in Gatsbying in one form or another. It is a term coined by model Matilda Dods, who described it as “posting a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see…”


In the novel, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the main character Gatsby throws wild extravagant parties in the hopes of gaining Daisy’s, the love interest’s, attention.


Modern times call for modern love and what better way is there to become the object of someone’s desire than to pose for a carefully constructed selfie. Feeling the rush of excitement after your crush has liked your photo is beyond fabulous.


The dating trend has been around since the dawn of social media. Many of us may have Gatsby’d without even realizing it. Compared to awful trends like ghosting, side chick’s and leading someone on, Gatsbying is quite common. It is simply seeking the attention of your crush and hoping they make the first move by DM-ing you.


In Matilda’s piece for TomBoyBeauty.com she wrote, “Why, instead of just sending a text to the boy that I like, am I throwing the equivalent of a champagne soaked, chandelier swinging, Charleston dancing party on my Instagram story? All for that ceaseless green light across the water that is the attention of a boy who, let’s be real, probably isn’t good enough for me anyway?”


It’s about getting the attention of that one single person who we believe will fulfill our relationship fantasies. It is the human form of peacocking. Posting an Instagram story, selfie or snapchat video, all aimed at getting their attention and getting them to like you back.


Bringing the trend into the light begs the question; why not just ask your crush out?

Gatsbying is like testing the waters. Do they find me attractive? Post a picture or Instagram story and find out. The biggest part of this entire trend is to realize what your doing and why. Remembering that social media etiquette is a thing and with romance evolving to include social media, it is necessary. Remember that what you post on social media should reflect who you are and your values. Any prospective partners look at your social media and, like it or not, make snap judgments. When posting keep in mind what exactly you are portraying and how you want future mates to see you.


In the end it comes down to self worth. You come first and the attention you receive should come second to the time and attention you give yourself.


Carlee Lloyd


Three Former Sex-Trade Workers Share The Strangest Requests They Ever Received From Men.

I interviewed three former sex-trade workers, asking them to tell me the weirdest, wildest, even creepiest things they were asked to do during their time in the industry. They didn’t disappoint. I went into the interview expecting our talk to be exactly like when my girlfriends and I get together to talk about gossip and hookups. I was so very wrong. Here are three jaw dropping stories and a little advice from the femme fatale.

  • All names have been changed to former trade names so as to not reveal their identity.
  1. Playing Dress Up 

I sit next to Crystal on her couch and feel just a little inadequate. She is tall, thin and gorgeous, and answers the questions I ask, laughing the entire time.

Can you tell me about the strangest request you have ever received from a man?  

Sure, so a guy asking you to dress up is a normal thing in this line of work. Most of the time they want to play out basic fantasies like nurse, teacher, cheerleader, maid. Those kinds of requests just come with the job. A few times I was asked to wear a animal costume. Nothing major it was just some cat ears and a tail, that was a little strange but it still didn’t compare to one gentleman that came in.

What did he have you wear?  

He came in with a black duffle bag and put it on the bed. I used to go by another name but he asked me if he could call me Sarah. I said sure, and then he started pulling items out of the bag. He’d say, “Okay Sarah now go put this on”. It was just everyday clothing you would see a woman wear out on the street, right down to the bra and underwear…very plain. In my mind, as bad as it might sound, it’s my job and I was getting paid, so I really didn’t care. He obviously wanted me to be someone very specific, he had even brought a wig and perfume.

Do guys want you to be other people often? 

It depends. I find most guys really do just want the company. There’s definitely role-play but being asked to embody “Sarah” was a whole new thing.

What is one piece of advice you would give women out there when it comes to sex and dating?  

I would tell them women have a lot more power within the relationship than men want them to believe. Own it, and don’t put up with any form of mistreatment. It’s all you baby girl.


2. All About The Boots 

I met with Jade just outside her up-town apartment and she invited me in for tea. She looked like your average 20-something, cute, innocent and stylish, which made what she had to share with me all the more surprising.

What is the one thing you were asked to do during your time in the sex-industry that shocked you the most? 

I was with one man who was really into watching me strip and so every time I would be with him I knew I would have to give him a show. It would just be a strip tease with different forms of lingerie and then we would have sex. The last time I was with him I had just removed my lingerie when he said, “leave the boots on”. I had these great leather high-heeled boots, they were my favorite. I used to wear them everywhere. Anyway, he had me lay on my stomach and stick one foot up in the air, and then he got on top of me and proceeded to stick the heel of my boot up his butt. He basically had sex with my boots and got off…I never wore them again after that.

Did you know he was into that kind of thing? 

No, not at all, it just happened. It was very strange but I mean…all in a days work.

Do you have any advice for women your age that are dating or sexually active?

When a guy treats you like he doesn’t care, believe him. Don’t stick around waiting for a man to change because you’ll only be hurting yourself. The same goes if a guy treats you well, know your own worth and be able to accept someone who treats you with kindness and respect…and leaves your shoes alone.

3. Shoe Strings Aren’t Just For Tying Shoes

Serenity met me in a small cafe’ and we talked about men over coffee. It was so normal at first that when she began telling me her wildest request I had to look around to see if there were any other listeners. It was so outside of anything I had heard before, she had my full attention.

Tell me about the weirdest request you have received while working. 

Um, the weirdest thing that I have ever had asked of me or even to take part in, would have to be when a guy asked me to take my shoe lace out of my shoe and wrap it around his balls. When I did he kept saying, “make it tighter”. I remember wrapping it so tight that I was afraid I was cutting off any circulation, they were really red. That’s not the worst of it though. Once I had tied them up tight enough he asked me to smack them really hard. He wanted me to beat the crap out of his balls. It was by far the weirdest thing ever; I don’t know what he got out of it.

After hearing her answer I was in shock and thankful none of my boyfriends had ever asked me to reenact Rocky on his genitals.

Can you share some advice for women who are dating currently? 

Be safe, that’s number one. Always meet a guy in a public area; especially if you met on a dating app. Tell one of your friends where you are and if you feel uncomfortable leave. Always listen to your gut instinct…and of course use protection.

After each interview I thanked the women for their time and for sharing their stories from another side of life. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t fascinated and at the same time grateful for my own sex life.


Carlee Lloyd


An Open Letter To Anorexia

Fuck you.

That’s right I said fuck you for taking someone so beautiful and making them believe they aren’t. For compelling someone to commit a slow suicide in order to achieve an image. For the insidious thoughts and behaviours you share with your victims. For the way you allow others to think the answer is to…just eat.

She’s beautiful you know, more beautiful than you could ever imagine. She grew up hard and stayed kind, that’s not an easy thing to do. She has the bluest eyes and the best smile. She’s sarcastic and witty and has more talent in her pinky finger than I’ll ever have in my entire body. She is the epitome of creation. She is so much more than you allow her to see… I wish she could. Even the models are airbrushed and covered up but each day when she wakes she is real, more real than anyone I have ever met. Beautiful with no need for makeup. Her soul is pure and just trying to find it’s way back to happy. She is the Nirvana line “she just wants to love herself”.

Of course, she’s obsessive, I find all perfectionists are. Why can’t she see that she’s already perfect? The drugs and the drinking and the wild nights are an escape from the life she lives now but they only relieve the pain for a little while. I can’t tell her though, she’s got to learn for herself that the pain of letting go is easier than the pain from staying that way. It will be hard but the life after giving up the wild feverish nights is so much more worth living. Sobriety brings with it warm cozy days filled with tea and sweaters and the love of your life beside you. I want her to know she is worth it… my God she is worth it.

I mostly hate the way you are taking away little bits of her every single day. You won’t be happy until she’s completely gone. And, of course, people are cruel. They are quick to judge because their own lives are shit, I hope she realizes this soon. I hope she finds the strength to do what she truly loves, to live and laugh while she can.

You make vital nutrients the enemy and bones the reward. You are always in the peripheral, the unwanted guest at the dinner party, the friend in the bathroom beside the scale. You are the soundtrack in her head and the tears on her pillow at night. You are the reason I am afraid that one day I’ll get a phone call…to come pick her up from school when she has passed out. There’s always a fear that I’ll come home to find her passed out in the shower.

I know you don’t love her because if you did you wouldn’t want her like this. You’d want her to be happy and full of life but you only leave her tired and with every hair that falls into the sink, a little more depressed. Just know, I’m here too, fighting for her, telling her she is loved and beautiful and worth it. Just know I won’t make this easy for you, to kill her, because we both know that’s what you want.

Mostly, I’m asking you please don’t take her away from me one pound at a time.


Loving friend of an anorexia victim. 5227053414_4dbd66037f_b


Who Are You Living For?

It’s a question I had never been asked. My beautiful doe eyed therapist sat across from me, her life seemed like a distant promise. She had an amazing wardrobe, a blossoming career, a loving husband and was pregnant with their first child. I had just ended a seven year relationship, had no idea what I wanted to do and my bank account was seriously hurting.

So when she asked me, “who are you living for?” It shook me. Who was I living for? I had spent the last seven years of my life worried about the guy I was dating, wether or not my parents approved of my life, what my friends thought. I had spent money on things I didn’t need, took jobs I didn’t like, even wore clothes I hated, all because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. It all begged the real question…who was I?

In an attempt to share a little wisdom and save you some sanity, here are the three biggest lessons I learned in the year following that visit. All about staying true to your own unique spirit and living a life that truly serves you.

Take Responsibility

“I had to realize with my own life, the situations I had found myself in, the relationships I had, that I was responsible for my part. Even from the beginning…my part was that I had put myself there.” Kim. R, 28.

In the beginning it feels like a cheap shot, like you need to shift the blame onto anything other than yourself. By taking responsibility for your choices, actions and life, you begin to take back your power…and it is life changing. It takes away all of your excuses and puts you back in charge. Yes, it can be terrifying because when you make a mistake, and trust me you will, it means it’s all your fault and the hard truth is that sucks. The upside however is that when you succeed the same is true and the victory is oh’ so sweet. When you find yourself saying yes to an event that you absoultely don’t want to go to or listening to that one friend complain about the same old thing, you can now realize you mad a very small but significant choice to put yourself there. Luckily you also have the power to say no and walk away. It takes practice but choosing your happiness first doesn’t make you selfish, it keeps you healthy, happy and sane.


Date Yourself 

“At first I kept wanting to invite other people along, I was afraid to try new things on my own. When I finally took myself out on a date, alone, I couldn’t get enough! It allowed me to figure out what I loved and what i didn’t without the pressure of having to act a certain way. It was very freeing.” Holly. S, 32.

It’s true, at first dating yourself feels weird even for us introverts, like the whole world knows your alone on a “date” and stares. Eventually a huge serge of relief replaces the feeling of fear, making you ask yourself “why didn’t I do this sooner?” It is an act of self-love. Choose one special thing to do each week. It can be something you’ve always wanted to try, like taking a paint class or something simple like taking a walk down a new trail. One fo my all time favorite self-date’s was just going to the grocery store and buying vanilla ice cream, fresh in season strawberries and watching a good chick flick. Spending time alone while exploring new activities allows you to connect with you who are and recharge. It means you don’t have to do anything other than what you want; it’s an hour of unfiltered you-time.


Take Inventory

“I used to lay in bed at night and go over my day and that worked for a little bit but now I journal every morning about how I feel or the progress I’m making and just get out all the…clutter. My days feel so much lighter now.” Carrie. C, 23.

Taking a daily inventory of how you feel in each area of your life helps to bring everything into focus. It forces you to become aware of how you feel about your friendships, relationship, career and how you spend your time. Often it acts as a catalyst for greater more fulfilling change and allows you to be grateful for what brings you happiness currently. It can be done while sipping a latte in the morning or while comfortably under the covers before bed. You’ll be able to think clearer, make wiser decisions and do it all from a place of self-care.


The year after my breakup was challenging. The biggest take away was learning that once you allow yourself to be free, stop making decisions for other people and truly lover yourself, everything changes. The standards you set in your life not only for how others treat you but how you treat yourself magically becomes higher and the universe brings you wonderful gifts- hello law of attraction! Remember you are a beautiful goddess and each of us deserves to live our best life. So I ask you, who are you living for?


Carlee Lloyd

Life, Love and All the Hard Things, Uncategorized

Loving Yourself Enough To Push Past Fear. (&my yoga experience)

I found myself literally bursting into tears, trying to hide it from the class and the yoga instructor, because I had finally loved myself enough to push past fear. For YEARS I had wanted to try yoga. I had started workshops that had yoga incorporated, I had supported other yoga instructors in their practice but I didn’t have the courage to walk into a class on my own, grab a mat and just be.

Working with other women has taught me to love myself slowly but surely. I don’t have it all figured out and I still have a long way to go but sharing the journey with others makes it a whole lot easier. Yes…coming to realize you are a beautiful person just as you are in the here and now is a very personal experience. It has a unique balance to it that is both highly serious and at the same time very light weight. It is personal and calls for a tribe of likeminded people to share your experience with.

Working on myself I began to buy different foods, I have started a workout routine and I journal every morning with a cup of chocolatey chai tea. I was doing all of this and yet yoga still called to me. It was in the still small whisper of my soul…it said “try me, you’ll like it”. For years I pushed it away, but I have come to find that the more you open up to your own self worth the more you start to listen to the whisper. The faint breath that speaks to your heart and not your ego. The breath that wants whats best for you and whats best for others. The breath that breaths life into everything.

So…I listened to it.

And it was wonderful.


I felt like I had found a part of me I had lost in a past life, or perhaps in the beginning of this one. It felt like a coming home and that is why I began to cry.

Yoga felt like home, like I had found myself and my place and everything was going to be alright if just for the moment.

Loving yourself enough to push past the fear and listen to the whisper of your soul means everything. It means your willing to try. It means you love yourself enough to just get out there and do it, sacrificing your ego for a little bit of nurturing. It is hard, your scared, you don’t know what to expect, your mind is telling you to turn back and just go home to watch netflix. Listen to your heart for it guides you in the right direction.

Find what you are afraid of, what you fear. What is holding you back? What do you love yourself enough to do? What do you love yourself enough to try? I promise you this…you are worth it. You are worth every minute of it.

Don’t allow yourself to stay stuck. Don’t allow yourself to have regrets in old age. Once you begin to love yourself nothing can stop you from just being you and that is a damn beautiful thing.

Remember: You are Loved. You are Worthy. You are blessed.

& you are worth every minute of pushing past your fear to do something your soul will thank you for.


Carlee xoxo    … (Oh and I went to The Twisted Fish in Port Dover with Christie. She is SO nice)

April  8th is 7 days of self care Free

  • April 17th is Free Crystal Reiki Art Journaling online Class


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The Harsh Reality of Parenting Yourself…and why it’s the key to accomplishing anything.

It’s a really uncomfortable thing to admit…

That being an adult means you now have to parent yourself. In fact it’s a little embarrasing realizing the need to do so. It feels as if now that we are “adults” we should have it all figured out.

It means forcing yourself to do the things you don’t want to do, like…ever. It gets better though, trust me.

Parenting yourself is just accepting the simple fact: If you want your life to change, you have to do shit you don’t feel like doing. I don’t mean like taxes (or maybe I do), I mean things that will benefit you and force you to grow. Force you to step out of the comfort zone you have built for yourself and into a more fulfilled life.

Examples: Working out, eating better, waking up earlier, trying that “thing” you’ve always wanted to try, talking to new people, attending an event, cleaning your house, starting a blog, taking a class.

It can seem really easy to just go through life accepting the things that happen to you and going with the flow. That’s cool. Everyone is on their own journey.

But if you feel like someone who wants more. Who feels they deserve more out of life then it’s time to step up and get real with yourself. Where is your parenting slacking? Mine personally is in the health department. I need to kick my own ass into working out every day for as little as 15 minutes. I want the benefits, like being able to eat pizza and still fit into my jeans. Taking the first initial action is often the hardest.


So get real with yourself.


Before you get too old to really live and before you inevitably die…what is it that you want out of life. Design the life you want. Become clear and concrete about what it looks like and start parenting yourself in order to make it happen.

You want to become a runner? Set the alarm clock earlier, force yourself to wake up just like your parents used to do and get outside.

You want to get that job? Force yourself out the door, create a new resume, a branded linked-in profile, get creative and get moving.

You want to write a book? Get writing your rough draft. Edit like crazy and send it to an editor. Attend writing conferences. Make it happen.

Maybe you want something small or maybe you want something that will take a little more work, a little more parenting. Whatever you want I garauntee you have the ability to make it happen if you believe and if you have the strength to parent the hell out of yourself.

It’s not easy. It’s terribly hard.

Will it change your life?


Carlee. xoxo


P.S Let me know what you need to parent yourself on most and how it’s working for you!